Anything But Proud

A bi mom's perspective

Monica Harris and Lisa Gilbert with their son

As a bisexual woman, I was thrilled to join our local Pride parade with my lesbian partner of 18 years and our then 13-year-old son. It was our son’s first time, and we were delighted that he could wave the rainbow flag alongside his school peers, their parents, and his teachers.  His private school’s DEI committee had called upon the school’s small community to be involved in the parade to celebrate all students and families who identified as LGBTQIA+. I couldn’t think of a better way to introduce him to Pride. For the first time, he publicly celebrated and expressed his admiration for our unique family. It was perfect! 

Two years later, my partner and I find ourselves reluctant to participate in the Pride parade or activities, let alone bring our now 15-year-old son along. Not because our pride for our family has diminished but because we believe attending these events in their current form will cause us to feel anything but proud. We now cringe at what it has become and feel awkward to be a part of something that is no longer “family friendly.”

As feminists, we have taught our son that women, like his moms, can be gender non-conforming and still love being women. We have enjoyed and excelled at what were once traditionally considered to be male endeavors and accomplishments, including designing and building our custom home, maintaining a large, forested property with livestock, leading a nonprofit organization, writing and publishing a book and several articles, starting and managing a small business, and juggling a life full of work, school, travel, sports, and recreation. We’ve done all this on our own, thousands of miles from our hometowns, without any family assistance or support. Our son has always been proud of our family, our home, and our life, and his experience being raised by two mothers has allowed him to understand women to be self-directed and efficacious, able to love each other and create a family without needing to change their gender identities. 

When he sees some trans women presenting extreme, regressive portrayals of femininity and limiting stereotypes, or trans men who have rejected being gender non-conforming women in favor of embracing stereotypical masculinity, it’s confusing and incongruent with his worldview. The trans movement also seems regressive in that there appears to be an undercurrent of homophobia, particularly among the young population. Our son and his friends report that in their school, it is uncool to be gay and more acceptable to be a trans person who expresses attraction to the “opposite” sex and pursues “straight” relationships.

Over the past year, we have heard our son and his straight male peer group talk about how they feel alienated from those who identify as trans, bewildered by girls who think it’s cooler to be trans than gay (or even straight), and other boys who believe the same. The school takes every opportunity to invite trans speakers to discuss gender ideology, which in turn has prompted students to reexamine their gender and consider choosing another one, adopting a trans identity, or rejecting them all by identifying as non-binary. The focus on gender seems to take precedence and does not create a climate conducive to exploring sexuality and dating relationships, which clearly is a bummer for bi or straight young men like my son. Years ago, he was comfortable exploring his emerging sexuality, watching coming-of-age TV series like “Love, Victor” with us.  Over the last couple of years his interest in girls increased but in the current environment he has pumped the brakes on pursuing any attractions, saying the girls are either too forward and sexualized (substituting my words here) or are trans. He happens to be very attractive, athletic, and musically talented but puts up a “stay away” vibe, focusing on his friendships, music, and other interests instead—which disappoints me a little because I know how important developing romantic relationships is to a young person’s social, emotional, and psychological development.

Another issue my son’s multi-racial friend group faces is that despite its attempts to be diverse, equitable, and inclusive, the school has traded culturally competent practices that are sensitive to diverse cultures for trans-activist-led practices that push an ideology that may conflict with or undermine cultural beliefs and family values. People might think that our multi-racial family, headed by an interracial same-sex couple, would appreciate the school’s DEI efforts, but it turns out the opposite is true. Ironically, the school’s DEI efforts have had an overall negative impact on our son and his multi-racial peers for a variety of reasons, including the teaching of a gender ideology that is incongruent with our values and diminishes our pride. 

Gender ideology is just that—an ideology, one that is often incompatible with many young people’s familial, cultural, religious, or secular beliefs and norms. It’s an ideology that is based on the following assumed pillar beliefs (not settled scientific facts): 

1) Gender is independent of a person’s visible biological sex.

2) Gender (or sex) is a matter of personal choice.

3) Chosen names and pronouns refer to gender and not biological sex.

4) School-sanctioned social transition (names, pronouns, and attire) and medical transition (puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, and gender reassignment surgeries) are appropriate for minors.

Naturally, these new and controversial ideological beliefs, supported by the compelled use of pronouns, are not always compatible with the varied religious beliefs and cultural norms of diverse communities within student body populations. Nor are they always compatible with the interests of secular families who place a high value on science and the pursuit of objective truth through rigorous inquiry and debate. And as I said above, gender ideology reinforces regressive heteronormative gender norms and stereotypes that some might argue are homophobic and may not be congruent with the values of same-sex LGB parents or the feminist values of Gen X mothers. Therefore, while these beliefs might fit an intersectional agenda of DEI, they certainly are not inclusive or culturally competent. 

We do our best to ensure that our son doesn’t become or come off as transphobic in what he considers to be a trans-saturated environment that is hostile to his and his friends’ perspectives and interests, but he is fed up with it all. When asked if he would join us at our local Pride parade again, he scowled and refused. Now, instead of his peers joining him in celebration as they did two years ago, he and his high school buddies recoil from Pride events and anything “rainbow,” which they see now as more of a celebration of the T than the LGB—a celebration that undermines and diminishes his pride about having L and B moms, which in turn undermines our pride in our sexuality, gender nonconformity, and unique family.

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