I've been reading this discussion. It's difficult to find the words to respond. I am the parent of an adult transgender male. He and I have had many discussions about what is happening around trans discourse. We also have a lot of concerns about what is happening with youth and the possible "trending" going on. Yes, believe it or not, ev…
I've been reading this discussion. It's difficult to find the words to respond. I am the parent of an adult transgender male. He and I have had many discussions about what is happening around trans discourse. We also have a lot of concerns about what is happening with youth and the possible "trending" going on. Yes, believe it or not, even though we are "in that world" we are concerned about narratives. And we are also terrified. I am terrified for my son. He isn't out recruiting or proselytizing. He wants to live a simple life and be left alone. In fact, this new focus on the transgender community has caused him to isolate even more. I am terrified by the hatred, some of it being perpetuated by progressive actions that actually do more harm than good, but also by flattened conversations that do not recognize individual experiences and seek to objectify people rather than see them as humans. I am terrified for my son's life (his physical life and his emotional well-being). Regardless of your understanding, belief system, or definition of what defines a woman or a man, there is a human being with a story. I ask you to keep this in mind. I understand the fear, I do. I don't trust anyone these days and I don't want policies in schools or medical facilities that determine a minor's trajectory about medical procedures, identity, etc. This is very personal and I'm glad there are resources for people who find themselves in this position. Trust me, when my son came to me 13 years ago about his identity (as a legal adult), I was filled with some dread. Mostly because I lived in fear of his safety and well-being. But my love as a mother determined that I would always stand by him. That doesn't mean I want to push an agenda on anyone, but we do need to have the right kind of dialogue about these issues and one that doesn't keep polarizing us more and more. This movie scares me because it is very biased, even if it does have good points. It galvanizes people in their sense of outrage and superiority. This is especially so because we are distanced from one another through social media and sound bites. When you have a relationship with someone who falls into the outcast category, it's a very different experience.
So I ramble. My heart aches. I suspect I will receive some vitriol. I do hope we can continue good dialogue around this issue and others.
If you would be interested in contributing a piece to our Substack expanding on these thoughts (as anonymously as you'd like), we would be happy to receive it. Good dialogue around this issue and others, as you put it, is precisely our goal.
Anyone who would like to submit an essay in response to this piece can email it to submissions@fairforall.org, and we will happily review it for potential publication.
Thank you for sharing your story Faith. It's so important to share real stories. I'm strongly against this ideology being carved into law (like in prisons) and shoved into schools. I'm against transitioning kids. It sounds like you are too. I am also against ill-thought out bills that penalize parents for simply following what the American Pediatrics Society, the AMA, and the rest says is right. How can they know what to do? As you say, it's hard to trust anyone! As a lifelong liberal from the left, I want a tolerant and inclusive society. I share your fear of backlash against trans-identified people, including a precious and beloved member of your own family. You and your kid have the right to your beliefs, whatever they are. The fight is happening because the belief that a person can be trapped in the wrong body, that "trans women are women" and "trans men are men" is being encoded in these harmful laws. Rapes really are happening in women's prisons, and that is nothing about belief, it is just a fact. People have all kinds of non-scientific beliefs, religious beliefs, spiritual beliefs. But we are supposed to have separation of church and state, and I see this as the crux of the issue, that these faith-based beliefs about sex are getting encoded into laws and policies. None of that is the fault of your kid, or you, who just want to be left in peace. But I can sure understand your worries. Thanks again for sharing your feelings, in the spirit of FAIR.
Thank you so much, Elizabeth. We are very much aligned in our thinking! I've spent a lot of time these past several years looking at our Bill of Rights, something that , unfortunately, seems to be viewed by some as antiquated. We need to look to it now more than ever. What is happening in our government - especially in the 4th estate - is part of what is driving much of this madness. I also believe that groups sometimes plant ideas to instill fear and to quash movements (sometimes under the guise of being supportive). The government (through agencies and big tech) is inserting itself in ways that are completely unethical and a violation of our rights. The trans situation is so tragic because there are scary proposals out there, but there are also long tall tales about who trans people are. They often choose the most outlandish individuals to represent the whole when in reality most people just want to live in peace and be left alone. Through my son's experience I spent time in support groups and the predominant portrayal out there about trans identity is not accurate for most. Nor is there a "trans-agenda," or at least there is no agenda being lead by the actual trans community. It's all become so convoluted and the truth gets buried under layers of deception and partial truth.
Faith--I would really love to know how you both respond to the podcast link I shared, if you resonate, find it supportive and helpful--or not. If you feel comfortable, you can contact me via email: First name, last name at yahoo.
My heart aches with you, Faith. I also have friends and colleagues who are trans (and non-binary). I may be "gender critical" in many ways, but so much of this dialogue veers into erasure and other sorts of ugliness. It's grueling to read opinions with which I strongly agree (e.g. those that oppose medical transitions for minors/trans women in women's sports or prisons, etc.)... side by side opinions that appear to scorn, condemn, vilify, and refuse to give even the most basic form of respect to people who are trans. And I mean genuinely trans, like your son. My God, othering an entire community because of the nonsense put out by a few! And a lot of that nonsense put out by non-trans folks as well. The trans folks I know aren't agitating on Twitter or creating public policy, let alone grooming kids. They are just living their lives like everyone else, some married, all working, some with kids and one with grandkids.
I have been getting such a sickening feeling of deja vu of how it sometimes felt being a bi man in the 90s, that bad faith assumption of what I must be doing with my life, and how I must be a danger to folks because of that bisexuality (danger due to weird assumptions about STDs/inability to commit/homewrecking/being a fake gay or a scared one). And now a similar but far worse thing is happening to trans folks, generalizations and demonization from people who have probably never had a trans person in their lives. Most of whom are just minding their business like most of us do. Ugh.
And again, this is coming from someone who agrees with so much of gender critical thinking, especially the idea of social contagion among teens, and who came to this dialogue via one of my heroes, J.K. Rowling. But I don't think Rowling herself would appreciate a lot of what is said these days about trans people.
Thank you, Mark. You are spot on. My son and I are also concerned about "social contagion among teens." We witnessed this first hand with a distant family member. We knew that the person was on a bandwagon. And my son especially felt badly for feeling that way because he felt it was not his right to question a person's identity. But still, based on several factors, we felt the situation was part of the social movement going on. And in fact, a year later the person decided they were not transgender after all. Something dangerous is happening, but I feel it is fueled by hysteria and misinformation (I've come to hate that word, but it applies here). First the percentage of transgender individuals is very small. And as you said, they just want to live their lives in peace. They are definitely not "recruiting." As my son said, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone."
And thank you for sharing your story. I can understand the deja vu you are experiencing because it is similar. Very brave of you to share it on a public platform. Thank you, again.
I'm glad we are having these conversations. I spoke at length with my son last night about this conversation. He is so wise and articulate. I asked him if he would be interested in collaborating on an essay with me, but he said he doesn't have the emotional energy for it right now. I ended up writing last night and may submit something. It's just a story really. But that is what is important, hearing each other's stories so we add humanity to the picture, rather than objectifying and demonizing groups of people.
I am so glad you are working on submitting a piece! I think it is important to hear your perspective on this topic. I think the most genuine way to push back on dehumanizing rhetoric is to provide humanizing stories and experiences. Especially important given that many transitioned folks and long-timers in the trans community don't agree with the agitation that is coming from the far left, but of course could never agree with voices from the right that literally refuse to recognize their existence. They are stuck in a way. And the ones I know are far from woke, we literally laugh about things together, like the mono-focus on pronoun-sharing from many millennials etc.
Social contagion is very real, as we both have seen. It has been incredibly frustrating seeing professionals handwave something so common aside. I mean, we've all been teens so we all know how important peer opinions can be. My friends who are parents in Berkeley are seeing a wave of their children now identifying as trans. All but one are trying to be "good liberal straight people" with their reactions, but I think they need to not be afraid of recognizing that something that may feel incredibly important & life-changing for a teen right now could literally shift in a year. Because teens are shifting their identities all the time.
It's naïve to think otherwise. And the one who differs has gone over the deep end, and now doesn't think any trans identities are real.
You're right, something dangerous is happening. This always happens when children are involved. I'm old enough to remember all of the hysteria and misinformation that happened during the pervasive satanic daycare sex abuse scares of the late 80s & early 90s. I feel like I'm hearing similar rhetoric these days, whether it's about Disney or about drag queens.
Wow, Mark. Great insights! This has been a great conversation. I ended up calling my son and sharing much of it with him because it is so refreshing to talk about this in a non-polarizing way with someone other than him. I especially liked your comments, "Especially important given that many transitioned folks and long-timers in the trans community don't agree with the agitation that is coming from the far left, but of course could never agree with voices from the right that literally refuse to recognize their existence." You described my son's position perfectly. We have always been left-leaning, but this topic and many of the other movements of the past several years have felt threatening and I find myself (as a commentator that I like and follow says) politically marooned. My son has said to me that as frustrated as he is with left ideologies, at least they don't want to see him without any rights (or dead), like some on the far right do. One of the reasons he decided to pursue his master's degree in a more conservative state was because he wanted a different experience than his California undergraduate one. Of course both experiences have had disappointments, but that is life. It's also challenging because my extended family is pretty conservative. And while they love my son, they have been bringing up the "trans agenda," so then I become a little defensive. I still contend that something is going on, but it is not from the actual trans community, although they will suffer the brunt of it. Thanks again for the thoughtful and engaging conversation.
Hello again Faith...if you haven't come across, you both might be interested in taking a listen to this podcast called Transparency hosted by two trans-identified people (both of them named Aaron!)
Thank you for this suggestion. I will take a look and I will also ask my son if he is familiar with her. He follows a lot of people. He is pretty scared about some of the stuff out there. He is in a very conservative state finishing graduate school. He actually chose to do that because he wanted to get away from some of the very left leaning experiences he had as an undergraduate in California. He doesn't identify as conservative either, but like me he is in a state of disillusionment with both sides (we always considered ourselves to be on the left, but nothing makes sense these days). We need to find some balance but with the polarizing narratives going on, it's hard to do that. Thanks again.
I don't always agree with her politics, but she's fantastic. I don't need to agree with her politics to see how emotionally healthy she is. I really appreciate her perspective.
I've been reading this discussion. It's difficult to find the words to respond. I am the parent of an adult transgender male. He and I have had many discussions about what is happening around trans discourse. We also have a lot of concerns about what is happening with youth and the possible "trending" going on. Yes, believe it or not, even though we are "in that world" we are concerned about narratives. And we are also terrified. I am terrified for my son. He isn't out recruiting or proselytizing. He wants to live a simple life and be left alone. In fact, this new focus on the transgender community has caused him to isolate even more. I am terrified by the hatred, some of it being perpetuated by progressive actions that actually do more harm than good, but also by flattened conversations that do not recognize individual experiences and seek to objectify people rather than see them as humans. I am terrified for my son's life (his physical life and his emotional well-being). Regardless of your understanding, belief system, or definition of what defines a woman or a man, there is a human being with a story. I ask you to keep this in mind. I understand the fear, I do. I don't trust anyone these days and I don't want policies in schools or medical facilities that determine a minor's trajectory about medical procedures, identity, etc. This is very personal and I'm glad there are resources for people who find themselves in this position. Trust me, when my son came to me 13 years ago about his identity (as a legal adult), I was filled with some dread. Mostly because I lived in fear of his safety and well-being. But my love as a mother determined that I would always stand by him. That doesn't mean I want to push an agenda on anyone, but we do need to have the right kind of dialogue about these issues and one that doesn't keep polarizing us more and more. This movie scares me because it is very biased, even if it does have good points. It galvanizes people in their sense of outrage and superiority. This is especially so because we are distanced from one another through social media and sound bites. When you have a relationship with someone who falls into the outcast category, it's a very different experience.
So I ramble. My heart aches. I suspect I will receive some vitriol. I do hope we can continue good dialogue around this issue and others.
Hi Faith,
If you would be interested in contributing a piece to our Substack expanding on these thoughts (as anonymously as you'd like), we would be happy to receive it. Good dialogue around this issue and others, as you put it, is precisely our goal.
Anyone who would like to submit an essay in response to this piece can email it to submissions@fairforall.org, and we will happily review it for potential publication.
Thank you for sharing your story Faith. It's so important to share real stories. I'm strongly against this ideology being carved into law (like in prisons) and shoved into schools. I'm against transitioning kids. It sounds like you are too. I am also against ill-thought out bills that penalize parents for simply following what the American Pediatrics Society, the AMA, and the rest says is right. How can they know what to do? As you say, it's hard to trust anyone! As a lifelong liberal from the left, I want a tolerant and inclusive society. I share your fear of backlash against trans-identified people, including a precious and beloved member of your own family. You and your kid have the right to your beliefs, whatever they are. The fight is happening because the belief that a person can be trapped in the wrong body, that "trans women are women" and "trans men are men" is being encoded in these harmful laws. Rapes really are happening in women's prisons, and that is nothing about belief, it is just a fact. People have all kinds of non-scientific beliefs, religious beliefs, spiritual beliefs. But we are supposed to have separation of church and state, and I see this as the crux of the issue, that these faith-based beliefs about sex are getting encoded into laws and policies. None of that is the fault of your kid, or you, who just want to be left in peace. But I can sure understand your worries. Thanks again for sharing your feelings, in the spirit of FAIR.
Thank you so much, Elizabeth. We are very much aligned in our thinking! I've spent a lot of time these past several years looking at our Bill of Rights, something that , unfortunately, seems to be viewed by some as antiquated. We need to look to it now more than ever. What is happening in our government - especially in the 4th estate - is part of what is driving much of this madness. I also believe that groups sometimes plant ideas to instill fear and to quash movements (sometimes under the guise of being supportive). The government (through agencies and big tech) is inserting itself in ways that are completely unethical and a violation of our rights. The trans situation is so tragic because there are scary proposals out there, but there are also long tall tales about who trans people are. They often choose the most outlandish individuals to represent the whole when in reality most people just want to live in peace and be left alone. Through my son's experience I spent time in support groups and the predominant portrayal out there about trans identity is not accurate for most. Nor is there a "trans-agenda," or at least there is no agenda being lead by the actual trans community. It's all become so convoluted and the truth gets buried under layers of deception and partial truth.
Thank you again for your kind words.
Faith--I would really love to know how you both respond to the podcast link I shared, if you resonate, find it supportive and helpful--or not. If you feel comfortable, you can contact me via email: First name, last name at yahoo.
Thank you, Elizabeth. I haven't had a chance to listen yet, but I will. And I will reach out to you by email to continue the conversation.
My heart aches with you, Faith. I also have friends and colleagues who are trans (and non-binary). I may be "gender critical" in many ways, but so much of this dialogue veers into erasure and other sorts of ugliness. It's grueling to read opinions with which I strongly agree (e.g. those that oppose medical transitions for minors/trans women in women's sports or prisons, etc.)... side by side opinions that appear to scorn, condemn, vilify, and refuse to give even the most basic form of respect to people who are trans. And I mean genuinely trans, like your son. My God, othering an entire community because of the nonsense put out by a few! And a lot of that nonsense put out by non-trans folks as well. The trans folks I know aren't agitating on Twitter or creating public policy, let alone grooming kids. They are just living their lives like everyone else, some married, all working, some with kids and one with grandkids.
I have been getting such a sickening feeling of deja vu of how it sometimes felt being a bi man in the 90s, that bad faith assumption of what I must be doing with my life, and how I must be a danger to folks because of that bisexuality (danger due to weird assumptions about STDs/inability to commit/homewrecking/being a fake gay or a scared one). And now a similar but far worse thing is happening to trans folks, generalizations and demonization from people who have probably never had a trans person in their lives. Most of whom are just minding their business like most of us do. Ugh.
And again, this is coming from someone who agrees with so much of gender critical thinking, especially the idea of social contagion among teens, and who came to this dialogue via one of my heroes, J.K. Rowling. But I don't think Rowling herself would appreciate a lot of what is said these days about trans people.
Thank you, Mark. You are spot on. My son and I are also concerned about "social contagion among teens." We witnessed this first hand with a distant family member. We knew that the person was on a bandwagon. And my son especially felt badly for feeling that way because he felt it was not his right to question a person's identity. But still, based on several factors, we felt the situation was part of the social movement going on. And in fact, a year later the person decided they were not transgender after all. Something dangerous is happening, but I feel it is fueled by hysteria and misinformation (I've come to hate that word, but it applies here). First the percentage of transgender individuals is very small. And as you said, they just want to live their lives in peace. They are definitely not "recruiting." As my son said, "I wouldn't wish this on anyone."
And thank you for sharing your story. I can understand the deja vu you are experiencing because it is similar. Very brave of you to share it on a public platform. Thank you, again.
I'm glad we are having these conversations. I spoke at length with my son last night about this conversation. He is so wise and articulate. I asked him if he would be interested in collaborating on an essay with me, but he said he doesn't have the emotional energy for it right now. I ended up writing last night and may submit something. It's just a story really. But that is what is important, hearing each other's stories so we add humanity to the picture, rather than objectifying and demonizing groups of people.
I am so glad you are working on submitting a piece! I think it is important to hear your perspective on this topic. I think the most genuine way to push back on dehumanizing rhetoric is to provide humanizing stories and experiences. Especially important given that many transitioned folks and long-timers in the trans community don't agree with the agitation that is coming from the far left, but of course could never agree with voices from the right that literally refuse to recognize their existence. They are stuck in a way. And the ones I know are far from woke, we literally laugh about things together, like the mono-focus on pronoun-sharing from many millennials etc.
Social contagion is very real, as we both have seen. It has been incredibly frustrating seeing professionals handwave something so common aside. I mean, we've all been teens so we all know how important peer opinions can be. My friends who are parents in Berkeley are seeing a wave of their children now identifying as trans. All but one are trying to be "good liberal straight people" with their reactions, but I think they need to not be afraid of recognizing that something that may feel incredibly important & life-changing for a teen right now could literally shift in a year. Because teens are shifting their identities all the time.
It's naïve to think otherwise. And the one who differs has gone over the deep end, and now doesn't think any trans identities are real.
You're right, something dangerous is happening. This always happens when children are involved. I'm old enough to remember all of the hysteria and misinformation that happened during the pervasive satanic daycare sex abuse scares of the late 80s & early 90s. I feel like I'm hearing similar rhetoric these days, whether it's about Disney or about drag queens.
Wow, Mark. Great insights! This has been a great conversation. I ended up calling my son and sharing much of it with him because it is so refreshing to talk about this in a non-polarizing way with someone other than him. I especially liked your comments, "Especially important given that many transitioned folks and long-timers in the trans community don't agree with the agitation that is coming from the far left, but of course could never agree with voices from the right that literally refuse to recognize their existence." You described my son's position perfectly. We have always been left-leaning, but this topic and many of the other movements of the past several years have felt threatening and I find myself (as a commentator that I like and follow says) politically marooned. My son has said to me that as frustrated as he is with left ideologies, at least they don't want to see him without any rights (or dead), like some on the far right do. One of the reasons he decided to pursue his master's degree in a more conservative state was because he wanted a different experience than his California undergraduate one. Of course both experiences have had disappointments, but that is life. It's also challenging because my extended family is pretty conservative. And while they love my son, they have been bringing up the "trans agenda," so then I become a little defensive. I still contend that something is going on, but it is not from the actual trans community, although they will suffer the brunt of it. Thanks again for the thoughtful and engaging conversation.
Hello again Faith...if you haven't come across, you both might be interested in taking a listen to this podcast called Transparency hosted by two trans-identified people (both of them named Aaron!)
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/transparency/id1583333120
Thank you, Elizabeth. We will check into it for sure.
Thank you for this suggestion. I will take a look and I will also ask my son if he is familiar with her. He follows a lot of people. He is pretty scared about some of the stuff out there. He is in a very conservative state finishing graduate school. He actually chose to do that because he wanted to get away from some of the very left leaning experiences he had as an undergraduate in California. He doesn't identify as conservative either, but like me he is in a state of disillusionment with both sides (we always considered ourselves to be on the left, but nothing makes sense these days). We need to find some balance but with the polarizing narratives going on, it's hard to do that. Thanks again.
I don't always agree with her politics, but she's fantastic. I don't need to agree with her politics to see how emotionally healthy she is. I really appreciate her perspective.